Marshall

I know not a lot of people read LJ anymore. We all can thank Myspace for that. There is something I want to say on here that I cannot say on Myspace for obvious reasons. I need everyone to pray for me this weekend. I have one of my feelings that I am going to lose someone that is very very dear to me, and I cannot and will not let that happen. I might just be being paranoid and over analyzing situations, but I really don't think that I am this time. I need to talk to her, but I can't until Sunday. So, please remember me and say a prayer if you choose to do so. Thank you...

Well a lotta things happened today.

First, we got the apartment here in hattiesburg. It is a 2BR/1.5BA townhouse at a place called Point O Woods. I havent been inside yet, but the pictures look really nice, and some people in the band said that it is a nice place as well.

Second, I am playing tenors in The Pride. I am one spot from the middle spot. If those of you dont know what that is, the captain of the section is always in the middle and they rank starting from the middle going out in the line. Since I havent really played like that in 3 years, I thought that was pretty good that I got that, but I still have a lotta work and practice ahead of me.

Third, I FINALLY got my acceptance to USM officially, so that is out of the way.

Busy day tomorrow...orientation, financail aid appointment, band camp, go by apartment to pay deposit, call about my job....GAH so much stuff to do

I made it into Hattiesburg just fine. I have a busy week ahead of me starting tomorrow. I am going to watch this killer thunderstorm outside. later...

Well, I guess I better make this announcement official, but if you have talked to me in the past week you already know this. As of this coming Tuesday, August 15, I will be living in Hattiesburg, MS and on my way to going to the University of Southern Mississippi as a music education major. Basically, this is an opportunity that I cannot pass up. When I went to visit there last week, I heard just about everything I needed to hear. All my credits will transfer just fine, and they are cutting my ensemble performances from 4 to 2 because I am a transfer student. There is just nothing for me in Mobile anymore, and I would be staying here for all the wrong reasons.

Don't get me wrong because this was a hard decision, and it was actually a very sudden decision. I didn't decide to do this until late last week after talking to the music director up there. This is also hard because I made some amazing friends this summer that I will never forget, and saying goodbye after just meeting them is difficult, but for the first time in a long time I am making a decision on what will be better situation for myself. USM has a better program of studies for my major, and Dr. Wooten, director of percussion studies, is highly respected all across the southeast. I have more friends up there, and I just think that I will be happier up there. Over the summer, I just got really down and depressed living in Mobile. I think I am a happy and fun person to be around, and I hated feeling like that. As a result, I think I need a change of scenery.

I am really looking forward to being up there. Mondo and I are in the process of getting a 2 bedroom townhouse. All we are waiting for is the confirmation that we have it. I am hoping and praying ::crosses fingers::. Chili's will not transfer me because they are owned by two different companies, but my manager told me that there shouldn't be a problem getting a job since I show up on time for work and I am a trainer/station leader. I just need to go talk to them ASAP to get some funding in the bank immediately.

Band Camp at USM starts on Wednesday, so I will be busy trying to get most of my stuff out before I go report. Just keep me in your prayers as I make this transition. I know that my true friends that I have made will keep in touch with me somehow on a regular basis. I am going to end on that note...

i HATE the University of South Alabama!!!!!!!!! They are making me do all these damn procedures just because I have 2 traffic tickets that I need to pay. I swear if I didn't need this transcript, I would blow the place up....not really but it would be really fun if I could get away with that.

Anyways, I am at the library getting away from the 56789098765432345678 people who have to pay on their account today. USA has a new payment builiding that they told us was going to be another student center. Yeah, and I hate being lied to. I am so glad I am getting away from here. That's about it...I'll will know more about the apartment situation in Hattiesburg hopefully by the end of the day.

Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view, here.
And the strength of a tree begins in the roots
That I tend bury into you
At least now the storm can't blow me away.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.

Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me?
So cold were the days when I listened to you.
And you say that I'm weak so show me the proof
Because I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you every day.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.

Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself.
I hear these voices in my head competing.
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have schizophrenic conversations
Where there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
Fucked up like me.

I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Ashamed like me

So it has been a while since I have updated on what is going on.

I am debating on changing jobs because quite frankly I am sick of Cracker Barrel. One of the managers there thinks she controls the whole place, and that your only priority is your job. I am sick of the way she looks at the negative about everything and never focuses on anything positive. Chili's is opening across the street from my Cracker Barrel, and they will more than likely start me at like 11.50 an hour because I have experience. I am most definately going to try that out.

I am changing my major in school from Physical Therapy to Music Education. I should have just listened to myself a long time ago when I was writing music for bands and said that I could do this for a long time and have fun with it...Mondo I am going to take you up on your offer now ;)... I think I will be a much happier person for it doing something that I love to do. I know that i will not make as much money doing this, but I would rather be happy, and I think I will be very successful since I already have a good name for myself right now and I am only 21. I think I can have a lot of room for something grand.

I am ver ver ver happy living here with Jessee. Things are going well over here, and most importantly, there is no stress or drama living over here.

Me and a friend of mine are going to see Staind in Pensacola on April 28th, and I am very very very very very very very stoked about seeing them again!!! I think that Aaron Lewis is extremely underrated as far as song writing is concerned, and they put on a great show. I am also looking forward to seeing a full set from them since they are going to be the headliner. I saw them at Family Values in 2001 when they could only play 50 minutes, so it will be great to get 2 hours outta them.

All in all things are going ok right now. I wish I could see some of my old friends, but with everyone away I know that it can get kinda difficult. Take care everyone....and someone update for god sake!!!!

Is has been a long long time since I have updated. I only get on the internet when I come to the library. Even though I havent updated in a long time, there is really not that much for me to say.

I have been doing a lotta thinking lately; thinking that I know that I should not be doing. I have come to the conclusion that I am not that great of a person as I once thought I was. I try to be thoughtful and caring for people close to me. I just go with the vibe that I get from the people that are around me the most. Everything is just so cluttered right now. My mind is going like 43456875323146754345342457654432 different directions all at once. I am afraid of having nowhere to go. Don't get me wrong, I love living on my own, but there is this feeling inside of me that is telling me that it is not going to last much longer. I feel like my future is going to revolve around betrayal. I have been betrayed many times in the past, and it hurts like a mf. But, then I look at myself and see this: I don't deserve any fortunes. Fortunes come to good people, and I am not. I must be. Why else would the world deal those cards to me? I am not that smart. The more I look in the mirror, the more of a failure I see. My grandfather would be so disappointed in me right now.

Once again, I am afraid that I will be left with nothing and all alone with nowhere to go....

It has been a long time since I have had to update. We do not have the internet at the apartment anymore because the wireless server went away. I have had a great week though. DeAnna and I have been together for 3 years now, which is so incredible. Work is going good, and I am beginning to make some good money. But, I am beginning to start to think about next year.

Byrant and Katy are talking about getting another place, and I do not know where I am going to go. I make enough money for the rent and power bill, but I would not have any money to go to school or even eat. All my income would go to bills, and I can't do that. I don't know what I am going to do. I can't live back home because 1. there is no room 2. I cannot afford the gas money to drive to USA everyday 3. I would rather do anything than live back at home. I like being out on my own. For those of you thinking that DeAnna would just move in with me, no. We aren't going to do that. That goes against everything that we have stood for. Period. I love living here, so I do not know what is going to happen.

Never again will I be dishonored
And never again will I be reminded
We're living within the world of the jaded
They killed inspiration
It's my obligation
To never again, allow this to happen
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
Denying the sin
My art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Lonely, we'll not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive

Danger, then, cannot be considered
I rage again, dispelling my anger
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
My art, my redemption, my only salvation
I carry the gift that I have been blessed with
My soul is adrift in notions of madness
Repairing the rift that you have created
I am not alone, brothers, give me your arms now

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Lonely, we'll not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive

I'm no slave
Are you feeling brave?
Or have you gone out of your mind?
No more games
It won't feel the same
If I hold my anger inside
There's no meaning
My soul is bleeding
I've had enough of your kind
One suggestion, use your discretion
Before you label me blind

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Lonely, we'll not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive

What a great night!!! Work was easy and greatly paced. I actually enjoying working this morning, but I am still dead tired. After work I rushed to TGI Fridays to watch the USC/Notre Dame game. I didn't get a chance to finish watching it, but USC won by 3 on the last play!! I didn't have a good feeling about that game, but I am glad that they pulled it off. They were not in sync at all on offense, and Notre Dame did very well in controlling the clock, but in the end it didn't matter though. DeAnna and I went to eat at Mikatos for dinner tonight. I love that place!!! Hibachi grills are frickin awesome as hell. Then, we decided to just mess around in Mobile for the night, and now I am here about to pass out going to sleep. I have to work about 10 hours tomorrow, so there will be no update prolly. Later days!!

OMG I am so frickin tired!!! I just got in from work like 15 minutes ago.... *looks at clock*. yyeeaahh..... i have never stayed at that place for that long before. some people needed help closing the dish room, so i decided to pick up a few extra hours....i did not think it would take that long!!! my feet and back are killing me!!! It was a sigh of relief to come home though. I forgot to do the dishes before I left for work, so I was really really really dreading doing them, but when I got home they were all finished. God, thank you katy or bryant or some stranger who did them!!! Overall, I had a good day today. I am going to sleep in, and I will have a packed day running around with things to do. Still gotta find something to do tomorrow night around town since I can't leave the city bc of my car. I think I might catch a movie or something while katy cooks her dinner for bryant..... but i might want to stay a little bit to see if i have a kitchen left over.... im going to bed...later

I never thought I would be so frickin happy to get a bed, but a queen size box spring and pillow top mattress for $300, you can't beat that!! Hell yeah!! I will say more later...

I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
this Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm Waking up I Can Not See
That There Is Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God,wake Me

Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
in Pumps Life That I must Feel
but Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God,wake Me

Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God,help Me
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me

Darkness
Imprisoning Me
All That I See
Absolute Horror
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell

Landmine
Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell......

I had a fairly good weekend. Friday was fun as I spent the night with DeAnna and her parents around mobile. We went to get ice cream and eat at smokey bones. I wasn't too impressed with it this time around, but I know that they have been better in the past. I had to work Saturday morning, which wasn't that bad. Went to see Flightplan and eat at Zea later that night. Then, DeAnna and I hung out here for a little bit and then went to go do laundry. Sunday.....well they are sundays. I work around 10 hours and then crash afterwards. I am not feeling too great today. I still have a major head ache; I can't breathe, and I have to go to work later tonight. This sleeping on the floor thing is really getting old quick. My parents are bringing me a bed on wednesday though, so that is going to be pretty cool.

Other than that, my life is kinda like a rollercoaster right now. Some days are wonderful and they keep going up higher and higer. Then, the next day is horrible and it all comes falling down at once. It is really doing a toll on me emotionally. It is getting harder and harder for me to sleep at night, and I never know what to expect anymore. Just when I think that my life is the best in the world, something happens to make me think other wise. I just want to remain constant, but it seems like something changes every week. I mean don't get me wrong I like changes, but when they happen every week, it gets kinda tiring.

I am going to eat....or should I say try to eat. Later.....

I feel so lonely and stupid right now. Not to mention that my sinuses are going 10000 mph.... i am just not happy right now. I feel like I screw up with DeAnna all the time; i am alone a lot of the time; and i just dont see a good ending happening right now. I know that I am being pessimistic right now, but i have a right to be. I don't feel good, I am tired, and I am losing someone that I can ill afford to lose....what else could go wrong??

[sigh]

I'm feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things
I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it

I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive

Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing
Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody

I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive

Won't you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won't you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won't change me

What has been wrong with me lately??? I'll tell you... I feel like everything that I do is wrong, terrible, or not good enough for anyone. I have had a very bad few days dating back to saturday, and things have not been looking up since then. I feel like a failure and a waste of space. I sometimes feel like I don't have anyone over here. I feel alone a lot of the times and that I am just fending for myself. Most of my friends are nowhere near me, and sometimes I feel like DeAnna is the only one that I can turn to. I end up screwing up everything else with everyone else, and without her I would have no one. I would be alone and have nothing to look forward to. It is pretty sad when I go to a restaurant to watch a football game by myself. Sometimes I wonder what in the world am I doing here..... those are my thoughts for tonight.... i got things to do so leave a message...

well today has been one of the worse days that i can remember, and it is not b/c my hair looks stupid either... i dont wanna talk about it... it will only make it worse

well i lost my bid for the hard rock cafe ring that was going to be for a bday present. thanks candy for giving me that link. i will be keeping my eyes open for another auction here soon bc i really want to give her that ring bc she has wanted one ever since i have met her. i am super tired so i am going to bed....